Advice for Outings

For Whatever It’s Worth

I am a chicken.
I am a chicken.

Don’t go looking for these guys.  They are not nice.

If you must squatch:

Take a friend.  It’s not safe to go alone into the wilds.   Anything could happen, and another person can help you or summon help.  One of you could fall down a cliff, break a leg, be attacked by bees, or anything.  A buddy is a lifeline.  You could break a heel and then you’d have to be carried back to the car, wouldn’t you?

Take a gun.  Learn gun safety, local gun laws, load it, and tote it–just in case you come across dangerous humans or aggressive wildlife.  Personally, I don’t have a gun, so I stay on or very near roads and civilization.

Take a tripod, for the love of Mike.  Use binoculars or a camera with a telephoto lens to observe the wildlife.  I use a digital SLR but prefer several still shots of the same scene rather than video, which takes so long to go through and so much of a video is actually blurry and unfocused.

For best results, find a spot with a reliable water supply and good cover.  It can be near a town or in the wilderness, doesn’t really matter.  It might even be in town if it is connected to wilder areas by a river, canal, or green belt.  IMG_0826 Or just about anywhere.

Is there food–leaves, fruit, people garbage, cute bunnies, etc.?  If so, then you will probably find sasquatches,  Or, more likely, they will find you.

For the foolhardy, find a spot with nearby sasquatch habitat.

San Joaquin RIver near Redinger Lake. This area is the historic home of the Mono Native Americans.
San Joaquin River near Redinger Lake. This area is the historic home of the Nim Mono Native Americans.

Pull up a chair and act normal.  Sort of.  Sing some rounds, strum a banjo, blow bubbles, everyone practice their step dancing.  Sit and contemplate nature.  Good luck.  Hope you have a crucifix handy.

Take pictures and video of yourselves with nature for your backdrop.  Actually focus the camera on wherever you think Mr. Sasquatch might be skulking.

Keep an eye open for stick structures, arches, X’s, nests, teepee arrangements, star shapes, sticks on the path, branches that are woven together, footprints, hair stuck to fences and so on, and giant, weird, twisty, sausage link like poo piles.

Take company with you.  More is better.  Go home before the sun sets.   Have fun, and find the bigfoot when you go home and download your pictures and video.

Be Ye Warned

There are different kinds of “bigfoot” but you don’t know what kind you might encounter, so, venture out in daytime only.  Plus there are those dog men, goat guys, and lizard people, so be super careful.

Do not think they are your kindly primate neighbors.  At best, they have an agenda.  At worst, they have you for dinner and your little dog, too.

Do not feed them because that is like feeding a grizzly bear.

Do not yelp or screech to attract them.  Seriously.   It doesn’t work and is annoying to all God’s creatures.   You don’t want to annoy God’s bigger creatures, do you?   Wood knocking at them gets mixed results.

King's River bank near Piedra, California.
King’s River bank near Piedra, California.

Keep your distance.   Do not approach structures, beds, or sasquatches.  Be respectful.

They say not to run from predators.  I don’t think it matters but make no promises in this regard.

Do not appear to notice them, their tracks, or sign–or at least don’t be obvious.   If you see one, avert your eyes.   If possible, wear sunglasses so they can’t tell where you are looking.   Act ignorant and oblivious.

You will probably be safe because there are several people, some are armed, and it’s daytime, right?

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